Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
