I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
