nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
