You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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