and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
