we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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