my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
