If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize