just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
