I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
