FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
