Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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