take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
