My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The adults are the big ones right?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
