Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize