My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
