i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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