i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
