cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
