Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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