Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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