my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
3pm strippers are depressing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
