I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
