Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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