there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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