meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize