somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
