There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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