I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I deserve this hangover.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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