That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
