you guys were way drunker than both of me
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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