is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize