you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
