very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
