I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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