Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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