there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
