I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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