Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
