he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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