Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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