Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
