I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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