remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
