i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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