just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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