he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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