Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
