Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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