I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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