Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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