I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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