I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He better not be in your backpack
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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