We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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