2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
