My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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