Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
