youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
