woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dick very happy bro
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
