It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
