Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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