It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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