Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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