Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
