All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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